fun

i am a worrier. i worry about everything. i was listening to a country song the other day and the lyrics were about doing a little more living and alot more love or something along those lines. it talked about doing something fun. i cannot remember the last time i did something fun. i.e.,  a hobby or an activity. oh yeah, i have alot of laughs. i laugh all the time. but i can't think of the last thing i did recently that qualified as  fun. last winter i took the kids ice skating. that was super fun. i had to hurdle over my anxiety and all the reasons i had piled up that were getting in the way of doing it, but i did it. i actually was concerned that if one of my kids fell and didn't get up quickly enough, that someone would skate by and slice of their fingers. i kid you not. or that they would be cold. or hungry. or their ankles would hurt. or mine. or they'd be bored. or want to leave. or give me a hard time when it was time to leave. my list is endless.

i don't like situations that i cannot control, or rather, control other people's children. we have a prepaid punchcard to one of those indoor bouncey house places. my kids are dying to go. i worry that someone else's kids are going to do something to get in the way of either my kids' fun, or that maybe one of my kids will get hurt or that one of my kids will get into it with one of those wild ruffians. i recognize that this is irrational, but it's really difficult for me to pummel through it. it's the same reason i don't like to go sledding with my kids. it's not that i really fear that they will get hurt. i'm fine with my husband taking them. i know they'll be fine. if we had a 45 degree hill all to ourselves i'd be all over taking them. the same goes for playgrounds, public pools, and parties where there is not organized activity. it sucks and it's paralyizing.

so today i did something fun. my amazing husband dug out our firepit from under almost 4 feet of snow, and built "snow couches" for the kids to sit on. they were roasting marshmallows and getting too close to the fire from my vantage point in the kitchen. i went out to join them. not because i didn't trust them to not get hurt. i went out because it looked fun, and they reeeeeally wanted me to go out there with them. it was great. i ate about 9 marshmallows, sitting out in the snow around the fire with my family. it was fun.