see saw

I haven't written in so long. This winter since Christmas has had it's ups and downs and as we seem to be heading full speed into spring (thank god) I feel like I should take a breather and get caught up. A breather. Ha. That's funny, because I feel like there are hours and days at a time that I just sit around getting nothing done. Paralyzed by not having a agenda. For example: yesterday I was supposed to go into Meg's art class and volunteer. Completely forgot, because I had nothing else going on. I sat on the couch watching Smash, while the birds chirped outside and the sun shone down on a brilliant 70 degree March day. On the days that I have a list or a plan, I get so much done, and end up facing myself in the mirror without the dread and sometimes self loathing that a lazy day can bring. That all said, I am looking forward to April 2nd when I start my new job. And absolutely dreading losing this freedom I have accumulated by having all three children in school all day. It's the perfect job. A writing tutor, in the public schools a town away. The money is exactly what I'd hoped, the hours are perfect. I will be working in the same school as a good friend, and I can finally put my Masters degree to work. I have the same vacations as my kids, plus the added bonus of extra weeks off when the tutors are not employed. I don't have to deal with lunch duty, morning duty, bus duty, conferences, parent BS, or even arranging for a sub if I have a sick kid at home. Perfect perfect perfect. ((sigh)).

I have been home for ten and a half years. I have not HAD to take a shower on a weekday morning more than a handful of times. I haven't had my professional abilities scrutinized by peers or superiors. I haven't had to answer to anyone in over a decade. Scary stuff.

But I couldn't have scripted it better. I always said that I would go back when the time was right and if the perfect opportunity presented itself. And it did. I interviewed for a math tutor position, and interviewing for that could have earned me and Academy Award, just convincing myself, let alone a principal and math specialist that I had the chops to teach 5th grade math. But things worked out even better when I mentioned in passing that I initially mentioned that I thought the job was to be a writing tutor and I have an English undergrad degree. So all the pieces really did fall into place. So here I sit. After reading several textbooks on what it takes to teach writing, and I realized that the best place to start is here. I hope to get my writing back on track and add some real purpose to my days. Wish me luck.

Happiness Project, Take 2

Last year (or perhaps the year before) I read the book The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. It helped me alot to force myself out of giving over to feelings of unhappiness, negativity and the like. I am going to revisit it and see if I can start to make some positive changes, and tap into the person that I know is hidden inside the helpless, hand wringing, wrinkle and grey hair scrutinizing person that winter turns me into. So here goes, I'm jumping in with both feet.

She (Gretchen) has a list that she came up with called The Secrets of Adulthood. They make an enourmous amount of sense, but may not be the kind of things that you realize on a day to day basis. Here they are.

1. People don't notice your mistakes as much as you think.
2. It's okay to ask for help.
3. Most decisions don't require extensive research.
4. Do good, feel good.
5. It's important to be nice to everyone.
6. Bring a sweater.
7. By doing a little bit each day, you can get a lot accomplished.
8.  Soap and water remove most staints.
9. Turning the computer on and off a few times often fixes a glitch.
10.  If you can't find something, clean up.
11. You can choose what you do; you can't choose what you like to do.
12.  Happiness doesn't always make you feel happy.
13. What you do every day matters more than what you do once in a while.
14. You don't have to be good at everything.
15.  If you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough.
16.  Over the counter medicines are very effective. Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
17.  What's fun for other people may not be fun for you - and vice versa.
18. People actually prefer thaty you buy wedding gifts off their registry
19. You can't profoundly change your children' natures by nagging them or signing them up for classes.
20. No deposit, no return.

Game on!

Snow Day. Hooray?

Two-thirds of the way through January -- woo hoo! I hate it. I usually get seasonal affect, but this year was ridiculous. It started on New Year's Eve and I've been fighting it since. Stupid tears, crippling bouts of not being able to get anything done but fill my Houzz Ideabook online, and spurts of yelling at the kids that I immediately regret. I've started working out again, but so far no relief, at least my jeans will appreciate the effort I hope. We leave for Florida in a few weeks, and it couldn't come at a better time. Today we had our first "real" snow of the season, and Tom had to work in Boston.  I thought ahead, organized the coat closet, set out snowboots, tons of gloves and mittens in the shoe bag oranizer thingy on the back of the door. Set 3 basic rules before the troops headed out at 830 this morning: 1. No snow in anyone's faces. 2. No snow down anyone's backs or necks. 3.When you need new gloves, come around to the front door and I will get you a fresh pair. Went upstairs to start stripping the beds to change the sheets. dingdongdingdongdingdong. Oh that goddamn back door doorbell. Youngest child crying and hysterical about cold hands. Hmmmmm... basic problem easily solved. See Rule #3. So I got mad at her and started yelling about her crying. At the front door middle child with about 4inches of snow on his head complaining about having snow down his neck. I went ballistic. Screaming at oldest child ((Rule #2!! Rule #2!!!!!!)) Dropped an F bomb, yelled at everyone to get in the house because oldest child told me he asked her to do it. Bananas. I went berserk.
It turns out he wanted snow piled on him like you would do with sand at the beach. They got me on a technicality. At that point I realized I could probably get 15 more minutes peace if they went back outside. Dry gloves, a new hat and a change of jacket later they were back out in the snow.

mad

So every couple of years my anxiety creeps up and gets in and rears its ugly head. And in every single case when it's gotten bad enough for me to reach out and get back in with a therapist, insurance coverage becomes an issue. The ironic thing is that my husband works for a big insurance company. We have a great quality of life from both a time management and financial stability perspective. We opted out of the company sponsored insurance plan because it is pretty expensive, and receive our insurance from the military. This is what makes me crazy(er). Now, granted, since my husband is a reservist and we live almost exclusively as civilians we are obviously not in the same vain of emotional or physical danger as those out on the front, or their families scraping by to keep it together back home. But, we are receiving the same healthcare benefits as the soldiers and their families. Now wouldn't it make sense for people who reallllly need mental health care to receive it? Not so, apparently. I'm frustrated, and I know there is away around it, some kind of out of network payment or other such nonsense. But I am thinking about the 20 year old military wife and mom in Kansas who's husband is overseas and is desperate and suffering from post-partum. Or the 19 year old kid who just got back from Iraq and doesn't know who to turn to. If it's this hard for me, how do they manage?

January

I keep stepping on the same pretzel in the kitchen. I need to sweep it up, but the recycling bin is blocking the closet where the broom is, and I don't have a dustpan anymore anyway. I finally threw it away, thinking it would force me to buy a decent one. The one I had would do that thing where just enough of the junk would slide under the pan, forcing me to go a little further a little further a little further with the pan, until I still had a pile by the trash can, dusty and gray, and would need to go get the vacuum anyway. That's how January makes me feel. Just when you think you've got it, there's always a garland, or a decorative Santa candy dish, or let's be realistic.. an entire Christmas village that needs to be put away. It's a long month, and luckily we've made it this far without any crazy weather yet. I dread the days when the forecast is in the 20s or worse. So I'm keeping my eye on March, with the promise of early bulbs popping through, the occasional 60 degree day and the reality of Spring being right around the corner. Right now we've got the rest of January to contend with. Looming like the big bulky vacuum cleaner in the hall closet that I don't want to deal with.

New Years Resolutions

1. Learn to change out a light fixture.
2. Learn some basic carpentry from my dad. How to use a saw and maybe how to cut an angle so I can make frames or crown molding or something.
3. Get a handle on my itunes account. It incenses me that my itunes screen keeps popping up on my computer, I don't really know how to sync it correctly to my phone, etc.
4. Get my photos off the computer and onto my walls and in albums.
5. Finish painting the kids' rooms (and the crappy dreary trim in the rest of the house). It's been 3 years and it still looks like shanty town up in here.
6. Write more. I loved blogging when I got started. I've been lazy and distracted and busy. I should be able to carve out 30 minutes a day to get back into it.
7. That said, when my family is home with me, be more present in the moment.
8. Continue to make small steps, like posting this semi lame blog post just to get back into the swing of things.

I Know This Much is True

We had a very crazy 2 weeks. This will be the abridged version of things that I will hopefully be writing about in the next few weeks.

• I am not awesome in a crisis. I did however, surprise myself by being more of a half full than half empty during the Pre-Halloween N'Oreaster, Storm Albert and subsequent 9 day power outage.
• I am not nearly as graceful or brave as my children during a stomach bug. I cry, wretch and carry on. Until I realize that one of my own is there in the trenches with me, barfing up his guts. It activated my mommy response and I was able to rise to the occasion.
• I don't find candlelight or fireplaces nearly as charming as I used to. I have a renewed empathy for people who go without. I understand now why you hear about people burning down their apartment buildings and homes trying desperately to keep their families warm. We were lucky that during the day the temperature didn't dip below 50 but the nights were cold.
• These are things I can live without (in an emergency)... cable tv, hot food, telephone, heat overnight when I am in bed....
• These are things I can NOT live without (in an emergency)... hot water, coffee, web access, heat in the evening and enough candlelight to read by.
• I am truly grateful that we had a full sized warm home to relocate to on the Cape when we needed it. As well as invites from family to stay with them.
• I yell too much and need to find some kind of self soothing methods, whether it's yoga, meditation or taking up smoking, something's got to give. If I've learned nothing from the people around me, including my immediate family, is that you never know what life's gonna throw at you, and you better be able to handle it.